Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Melt Downs & Thinking positive

Dear Diary,
Today I had a strange day and it is only 12:29 pm. I woke up from a bunch of nightmares as usual. Lately I have been having these moments of "frustration" where my day would go horrible and I would try extremely hard to think positive; however, when something tiny goes wrong, I would mentally collapse. It's happened about 3 times already in the pass two weeks or so. I feel like these situations keep repeating themselves and when I started having nightmares about them last night, I started to get even more worried.

To make the situation worst, since I have an allergy test on friday morning, five days before that I can't take any antihistamines aka allergy medicine. Everyday after stopping my allergy medicine, I have been a mess and  getting worst. This morning I could not stop sneezing and my nose was a drippy mess. I also ran out of my allergy eye drops, so I was literally scratching my eyes out.

I decided to go to Dominick's and when I was ten feet away from my car I realized that I didn't have my car keys...which were kind of attached to my house keys...

I quickly walked back to my apartment, and I decided to get back in through a window. Probably one of the most embarrassing things in my life, since I could potentially look like I am robbing my own apartment. The thing is my boyfriend locked my I started to panic as I am trying to open all of the windows. I went to the back and called my boyfriend, panicking, and asking him if he had locked all of the windows. Thankfully, my bedroom windows were not locked so I was able to get in. And hopefully one of my neighbors who are there with their kid didn't think that I was a robber...actually I think I looked more like a nerd with my glasses on...=)

I think if I was not able to get into apartment, I would have possibly had a break down, since the weather is shit and I was stranded in it.

Afterward, I went to Dominick's. I slowly convinced my self that things will be okay and that my day will change if I thought I did.

And GUESS WHAT?! Things did look brighter. The Starbucks in Dominick's gave out free hazelnut frappacino samples...I was waiting in line for checkout and this guy came up to me and said he was opening a new check out aisle, so I didn't even have to wait!

I just have to have hope...that everything will be okay & if I think happy thoughts, I WILL be happy.

Simple as that...weird right?


Wednesday, September 14, 2011


I haven't written in a while, so I decided to post something short. I am too exhausted to write right now,  since it is 3 am in the morning. I am about to sleep, just thought I'd show you guys a recent picture of my mom and I at chinatown this weekend. That's it. Short and simple. Thought you guys would like to see something on the personal side. Goodnight!


What do you think? Is there a resemblance?

 Here's two other pictures:

 My little sister, Kristy and I
My boyfriend, Eric and I

Friday, August 26, 2011

Feeling Odd Lately...

Dear anyone who's reading this,

So I kind of forgot about these little entries that I have been writing, but I am back to writing again and hopefully it will help me get things off my chest. I have ALOT of catching up to do, with moving and living on my own and all but I think I will save that for a separate entry.

Anyhow, here it goes. After getting back from traveling I have been feeling really out of it. I kind of don't know why. Towards the end of summer school I was really stressed out due to finals and cramming to study. During that period I really had no time to think of anything other than school. Toward the end when things were finally starting to slow down, I felt really depress at times, just out of the blue. I guess it could be due to stressing out about what to do after I graduate, financial situations, and etc. But to me a lot of these feelings are just for no reason at all. During my travels, I really got to just relax and not think about anything stressful and it felt fucken amazing to just have no care in the world. I was even kind of surprise at myself that I was able to just relax since I stress 90% of the time.

Now I am back to reality... I got back from vacation two weeks a go and I started school last monday. I have been feeling really manic. My mood changes constantly through out the day. I feel like I have been angry at the people around me for stupid reasons or just no reason at all. Sometimes I feel like I even makeup thinks to get angry or frustrated about. Half of the time I am feeling extremely depress, for just no real reason. A kind of a depress just because feeling. I guess a lot of the time it would start out with me being alone in my apartment and feeling extremely irritated with everything and everyone. Also a lot of the time my feelings of depression would be coupled with anxiety. My anxiety is pretty explainable though since I am constantly worrying about every aspect of my life but the depression I really can't make any sense of since I really don't have any thing to be extremely depressed about. That feeling is just there...I feel it and that's about it. I am no sure if there are subconscious issues that I am no aware of and if there were how would I ever discover them?

Lately I have also been extremely self conscious of my body image...I guess I have always been that way but lately it just feels like it had worsen. I think these insecurities do affect my mood to a certain level.

Also after being in Cassadaga, FL I have being having a lot of vivid nightmares. I usually get nightmares but they haven't been this visual or scary for a while now. I wonder if these nightmares are linked to my emotional state and if I were to decipher them, I would find out why I am depressed most of the time. 

Yes, yes I know. When I say I'm back to writing these entries ...they are going to be super depressing. I guess most of the time when I feel like putting my thoughts into words are because I am not happy and doing so really helps me cope with things.

One more thing. I've said it many times but the feeling never goes away. I hate this town and all of the people in it. I kind of just want to move away to a different state but am afraid to make the leap. Let's face it, I am an extremely safe person...I am not a risk taker and I hate changes. If I were to move away from a state that I have lived for the past twenty or so years of my life it will be a HUGE leap for me to handle.

Never the less little baby steps at a time I guess. I think this entry is a nice little step. Anyway till next time.


Thursday, August 18, 2011

New Baby--What should I name him?

As you may or may not know I have a baby named Holden Caulfield. Holden is currently 11 months old. He is a brown & white striped tabby. I love Holden very much and I thought that he would be nice if he had a friend. Holden is very playful and sometimes I feel like I don't play with him enough. I also LOVE animals, I just can't get enough of them =] so it was so tempting to get another baby! (By the way my apartment doesn't allow dogs, that is why i don't have one. Otherwise I would love to get a doggy too! )

Anyhow as you can guess from the title "New Baby", that I am getting a new kitten baby! Today was the first time that I met him! He is only 4 weeks old! He is a Maine Coon kitten. This baby kitten came from liter of three, he has a gray sister and a orange brother.

Here is my first time holding the kitten! He is so tiny and cute.

Babies will be babies, he got sleepy after he played for a little bit!

He just full on got knocked out in an INSTANT!

I don't have him yet. =( He is too young to be separated from his mommy. He is currently being liter trained and he is still breast fed. I will be able to get him in 4 weeks! This is kinda coincidental because by the end of this month on April 30th is my 23 birthday! He is like a birthday gift from me to myself ! =] I am so excited! I can't wait! Hope you guys enjoyed my little post, I haven't written in a very long time! Till next time..


Here are more pictures!

Does Light Skinned really equal = Beautiful????

                                                                   1                               2

Dear People,
I haven't blogged my thoughts for a while and the other day I stubbled upon an old blog and it made me realize how beneficial this "blogging" stuff is for me here it goes

Right now I am watching the movie Greta (the one with the Lizzie Mcguire girl aka Hilary Duff ). In the movie she likes this black guy and it leads me to wondering ........
Why are the main characters always "light skinned" ??? --even if they were black, they are light skinned....

I don't like that, I don't want to be those people who pick at everything but this just bothers me ---you would think nowadays people would know better...growing up my family always made fun of me because I was naturally tan and not pretty and "light skinned"'s pretty fucked up

SO... what do you think?? Is it true? Not true?

----BY THE WAY which picture do you think looks better? haha


Why Hate?


So I just finished watching American History X. It made me realize that, dwelling on hatred will do no good. It will not change your life in a good way. I have always felt that I am surrounded by negativity and hate, hence I myself dwell on it. Never did I see that I have a choice. I have a choice to see the good in things. I have a choice to make the decisions I make. Everything in my life, all of the good and bad are a result of my actions in some sort of way.

Blaming others for this negativity and hatred in my life is nothing but a scape goat. By me blaming them it will not bring me any good but instead draw more negativity in to my life. So my first step was to delete an older blog post that I wrote about hate. (listing what I hated)

So after crying my eyes out watching this movie, I have come to this realization...why hate?

We are not enemies, but friends. We must not be enemies. Though passion may have strained, it must not break our bonds of affection. The mystic chords of memory will swell when again touched, as surely they will be, by the better angels of our nature.-Abraham Lincoln

Merry Christmas Eve Everyone


Dear anyone who reads this,
After my 4am ranting blog >_< , I decided to make a cheerier blog!

I want to wish you all a Merry Christmas Eve! I hope you all enjoy time with your loved ones, whether it is your family/friends or that special someone =) .

It is great to give during the holidays but just remember... at the end of the day it is important to learn to love yourself <3>

Remember that you are beautiful as long as you believe you are! Stay STRONG!

xoxo Hanhie

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

And to ALL a good night!

Can I be your present ? =P