Friday, August 26, 2011
Feeling Odd Lately...
So I kind of forgot about these little entries that I have been writing, but I am back to writing again and hopefully it will help me get things off my chest. I have ALOT of catching up to do, with moving and living on my own and all but I think I will save that for a separate entry.
Anyhow, here it goes. After getting back from traveling I have been feeling really out of it. I kind of don't know why. Towards the end of summer school I was really stressed out due to finals and cramming to study. During that period I really had no time to think of anything other than school. Toward the end when things were finally starting to slow down, I felt really depress at times, just out of the blue. I guess it could be due to stressing out about what to do after I graduate, financial situations, and etc. But to me a lot of these feelings are just for no reason at all. During my travels, I really got to just relax and not think about anything stressful and it felt fucken amazing to just have no care in the world. I was even kind of surprise at myself that I was able to just relax since I stress 90% of the time.
Now I am back to reality... I got back from vacation two weeks a go and I started school last monday. I have been feeling really manic. My mood changes constantly through out the day. I feel like I have been angry at the people around me for stupid reasons or just no reason at all. Sometimes I feel like I even makeup thinks to get angry or frustrated about. Half of the time I am feeling extremely depress, for just no real reason. A kind of a depress just because feeling. I guess a lot of the time it would start out with me being alone in my apartment and feeling extremely irritated with everything and everyone. Also a lot of the time my feelings of depression would be coupled with anxiety. My anxiety is pretty explainable though since I am constantly worrying about every aspect of my life but the depression I really can't make any sense of since I really don't have any thing to be extremely depressed about. That feeling is just there...I feel it and that's about it. I am no sure if there are subconscious issues that I am no aware of and if there were how would I ever discover them?
Lately I have also been extremely self conscious of my body image...I guess I have always been that way but lately it just feels like it had worsen. I think these insecurities do affect my mood to a certain level.
Also after being in Cassadaga, FL I have being having a lot of vivid nightmares. I usually get nightmares but they haven't been this visual or scary for a while now. I wonder if these nightmares are linked to my emotional state and if I were to decipher them, I would find out why I am depressed most of the time.
Yes, yes I know. When I say I'm back to writing these entries ...they are going to be super depressing. I guess most of the time when I feel like putting my thoughts into words are because I am not happy and doing so really helps me cope with things.
One more thing. I've said it many times but the feeling never goes away. I hate this town and all of the people in it. I kind of just want to move away to a different state but am afraid to make the leap. Let's face it, I am an extremely safe person...I am not a risk taker and I hate changes. If I were to move away from a state that I have lived for the past twenty or so years of my life it will be a HUGE leap for me to handle.
Never the less little baby steps at a time I guess. I think this entry is a nice little step. Anyway till next time.
Posted by imhanhie at 3:50 PM