So I kind of forgot about these little entries that I have been writing, but I am back to writing again and hopefully it will help me get things off my chest. I have ALOT of catching up to do, with moving and living on my own and all but I think I will save that for a separate entry.
Anyhow, here it goes. After getting back from traveling I have been feeling really out of it. I kind of don't know why. Towards the end of summer school I was really stressed out due to finals and cramming to study. During that period I really had no time to think of anything other than school. Toward the end when things were finally starting to slow down, I felt really depress at times, just out of the blue. I guess it could be due to stressing out about what to do after I graduate, financial situations, and etc. But to me a lot of these feelings are just for no reason at all. During my travels, I really got to just relax and not think about anything stressful and it felt fucken amazing to just have no care in the world. I was even kind of surprise at myself that I was able to just relax since I stress 90% of the time.
Now I am back to reality... I got back from vacation two weeks a go and I started school last monday. I have been feeling really manic. My mood changes constantly through out the day. I feel like I have been angry at the people around me for stupid reasons or just no reason at all. Sometimes I feel like I even makeup thinks to get angry or frustrated about. Half of the time I am feeling extremely depress, for just no real reason. A kind of a depress just because feeling. I guess a lot of the time it would start out with me being alone in my apartment and feeling extremely irritated with everything and everyone. Also a lot of the time my feelings of depression would be coupled with anxiety. My anxiety is pretty explainable though since I am constantly worrying about every aspect of my life but the depression I really can't make any sense of since I really don't have any thing to be extremely depressed about. That feeling is just there...I feel it and that's about it. I am no sure if there are subconscious issues that I am no aware of and if there were how would I ever discover them?
Lately I have also been extremely self conscious of my body image...I guess I have always been that way but lately it just feels like it had worsen. I think these insecurities do affect my mood to a certain level.
Also after being in Cassadaga, FL I have being having a lot of vivid nightmares. I usually get nightmares but they haven't been this visual or scary for a while now. I wonder if these nightmares are linked to my emotional state and if I were to decipher them, I would find out why I am depressed most of the time.
Yes, yes I know. When I say I'm back to writing these entries ...they are going to be super depressing. I guess most of the time when I feel like putting my thoughts into words are because I am not happy and doing so really helps me cope with things.
One more thing. I've said it many times but the feeling never goes away. I hate this town and all of the people in it. I kind of just want to move away to a different state but am afraid to make the leap. Let's face it, I am an extremely safe person...I am not a risk taker and I hate changes. If I were to move away from a state that I have lived for the past twenty or so years of my life it will be a HUGE leap for me to handle.
Never the less little baby steps at a time I guess. I think this entry is a nice little step. Anyway till next time.
XO
I felt the same way after graduating college I think a part of it is knowing you have to grow up and life is just forcing you to do so. Don't worry, I think most people go through this that are in their 20's which not a lot of people talk about. Hope you discover what you're missing soon
ReplyDelete<3
It sounds like you're going through a quarter life crisis. Lots of people go through it...nooo one talks about it. I've been there before. I think you need to get out there and see what the rest of the world is like. You'll either come away with liking your home town more than usual or realizing that you actually belong somewhere else.
ReplyDeleteOh man Hanh, I wrote a huge response and now it's gone so now I'm going to type it all again!
ReplyDeleteI can totally relate to what you're saying. I'm a junior and I go to university in Evanston and I felt really depressed for no reason since freshman year. It might've been all the stress of pre-med classes and trying to be perfect for school and all that I had huge anxiety and depression. But I realized that what really helped me was my feeling of connection with my family, friends, and God. Not even medication and therapy was as much as help as just staying connected with people! I know when life gets busy and stressful, we may want to push everyone away! I know I was the same way! But then I really forced myself for the coffees with my girlfriends and my night-outs with my friends! I know that you're in that stressful transition stage but please know that after the confusion is over, you'll feel set and happy! I know it sounds cheesy but the depression/anxiety also lessened after I started to believe in myself and have confidence in myself! I also have body issues with my weight and nose...but who doesn't!? Everyone has a unique beauty (well most of us) that is intensified with our personality, ya know? And once I started to believe in myself, things just started to look up! I mean, look at you. I thought you were one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen when I first came across your youtube page. And I could kind of relate to you because I felt lonely and I also go to school near chicago. But girl, nurture your friendships all around and believe in hope for the future, ok!? You'll figure it out! I've been following you on youtube for a year and I know you're a strong, beautiful, and confident girl! So don't let anything get you down! Also prayer and working out helps me when I'm moody! Hope it gets better Hanh! Email me @ sreek@u.northwestern.edu if you wanna talk anytime! :) take care girlie!