Thursday, August 18, 2011

In my head


Sometimes I wished that I could have a different life. Right now I feel like everything is out of control. I feel like I am driving a car blind folded and I am spinning out of control. I hate this wall that I have built up with the rest of society. I am always anxious, I can't trust people easily, I have problems opening up to anyone, I am frighten of being the center of attention or put on the spot. I feel like I have lost myself or maybe it is because I have never even found myself to begin with. I am in the state of confusion about everything that is happening to me.

 I started to go to a school psychologist about a week ago on monday( I think it's a good first step) . I am not sure if it is helpful. The thing I do know, it is scary. Scary to trust someone who is a stranger, to keep your secrets - secrets. Things that you are the most ashamed of about yourself, you have to tell this stranger hoping that you can be saved, you can be hope and that they will not judge you. The hardest part for me, is that I have to say it all out loud. I think that it is the hardest part because 1. someone is actually listening (and jotting these notes down on their notepad, god knows what they are saying ) 2. you are saying things out loud and hence making them true, real and touchable.

I am also currently looking for a lab to work (it's not actual work, but it is more so of a course that you need a professor's note of approval). I have probably wrote over 10 emails, to professors who are conducting labs, that I am interested in but have only received one reply (from a professor who is not currently researching but will accept independent research proposals, in which he will supervise in). Hopefully I will receive more replies before the spring semester.

I feel drained. I feel hopeless. I feel helpless. I am manic.

Right now I am actually taking a short break to write this, since I have to read two chapters of organic chemistry and study for the quiz, catch up on my cell biology and read articles for my bibliography project.

I feel like I have lost my sense of direction. I think I need to buy a compass.

XO hanh

PS I am seeing the psychologist at 9am tomorrow and I am scared >_<

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